Identity is created in the most stressful and anxious moments. From shuttling between everyday chores, to prepping kids for school, to paying bills and maintaining the house, the ‘parent brain’ has little to no room for calm or comfort. This is intensified by the constant effort to also ride against the tide when situations get demanding.

However, if you are a parent reading this, you will agree that you possess the ability to remain grounded, understanding that peace isn’t the absence of chaos, but the presence of a clear mind in the midst of it.

The process of finding yourself in chaos begins with a changed perspective from viewing yourself as someone who, when overcome by the pressures of life, is also strong enough to face them head-on.

A 34-year-old mother of two – who I shall call Ira – is a goal-oriented individual dictated by schedules and orderliness. She woke up one Monday morning to ready her older child for school, while the younger one played with a box of crayons. She noticed herself spiraling when she couldn’t get hold of her toddler from scribbling on the beige couch, while her older kid fussed over the packed lunch, and when her business call got rescheduled to an earlier time of the day. Before she got a grip on the situation, confused about where to begin and what to tackle first, she realised she was on the brink and was going to yell when she remembered to ‘gather herself’.

Now, how was that possible? Ira recentered herself by taking a deep breath and scanning the environment. That gave her a few seconds more to grab a pin and tie her hair up in a bun. Then she went on to get an additional bag of snacks for her older child to take to school, and strapped the toddler up in the highchair to clean the crayon scribbles on the couch. All of a sudden, the manic morning began to look a lot more bearable than how it was a few minutes ago. Ira made note of her rescheduled official appointment and prepared herself mentally for a good interaction.

The children, who hoped to see their mother raise her voice, were obviously surprised at her composure. In a nick of time, one woman’s conscious move altered the sequence of events and changed the day for the better.

Whenever a parent’s emotions are regulated, it allows the children to feel safe when their own emotions run riot in the growing years. In this instance, scribbles on the couch was the toddler’s way of expressing herself, and yelling at her would have only startled her. Ira choosing to handle one child gently enabled both her children to understand that the response to chaos need not necessarily be frustration, but calmness too.

Children model their parents based on what they observe – their actions, mannerism, habits, and the way they deal with dysfunction. They prioritize behaviour over speech, and are likely to adopt the emotional patterns and reactions of their parents rather than listening to verbal instructions. The manner in which you keep your mental wellness in check is exactly the way your children learn how to handle and maintain theirs.

Case studies show that when children remain calm during stress-inducing situations, parents report feeling less overwhelmed and more collected, in general.
While honest communication in parent-child relationships fosters vulnerability and better emotional regulation, engaging in day-to-day activities with your child, such as playing a favourite board game, whipping an easy meal, or even something as simple as having a sit-down conversation about the ‘peaks’ and ‘pits’ of the day will go a long way in enabling your child to understand you better.

Your conscious effort to be a good example for your children to follow will be reflected in their behaviour towards you, especially if – and when – you ‘forget’ how to deal with the surrounding chaos. After all, we cannot totally control or predict the situations we may have to face, but we always get to choose the way we respond to them. – editor@nrifocus.com

–  The writer is a counselling psychologist, specialising in mindfulness therapy and researching the quirks of life.